I wonder if it would be better if I hadn't told him. If I were a girl of action instead of self-preservation.

I don't even know who to talk to anymore.

Humans have an enormous capacity for evil... I've recently come to grips with mine.

The man I love is getting his tonsils removed tomorrow... I should not be worried about such a routine procedure. But I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Like to think of when I smoked my first cigarette...It was with my pedophile neighbor. I was 17 & really stressed. I love the things now. But don't ever smoke.

My family's small business is closing because of the economy. Don't tell me stimulus is too expensive. Don't tell me the economy is better...

The other side of me is taking over. And I can't stop it anymore. I'm worried about my future, about humanity.

I'm leaving this town, he might be leaving this town. I should get over him. I shouldn't cry myself to sleep over a man.

I keep having to tell myself I am not going to kill myself or anyone else... Myself is unconvinced.

Saying the things I want to say would be creepy. And I wouldn't be able to stand myself... But I guess I already can't.

I am utterly unprepared to be an adult and totally scared.

Hi, I'm Sandi, and I'm from an alternate dimension full of pure happiness and obscurely named junk... Your dimension just isn't cool enough.

If you picture the innocent version of her from our early high school years, these thoughts I'm having are downright sickening.

Since Al Qaeda hates gays so much, if u do 2, u should just abandon ur American lifestyle & b an idiot like them! I've got a pile of rocks & a couple ex gfs...

I've been dumping people because I don't really want them. I want him. And that's all there is. But he can't do that.

Almost ended my life earlier... The suicide note was mostly telling my family to exploit my suicide and use it to get on Oprah.

I bet my parents & siblings could get on Oprah if I kill myself... They should definitely exploit it if I do. I'm going to exploit all of their deaths...

I don't know that I can take this anymore.

I'll never make that deep connection. I can't. I don't exist beyond this. I'm just made to hurt and scorn. I'm good at it.

There is something really wrong with me. I don't know what it is. And if I did I probably couldn't fix it. I'm completely screwed. & I don't understand why.

"Pills can't fix an existential crisis." "Wanna bet?"

If u donate 2 the paypal Nailz1234@yahoo.com & help save a family's home, u'll b my new favorite person (which has it's benefits)... (Those being free hugs)

I try to be good. I help people who need help & try all I can... But I'm really a terrible person & I can't change it.

Dear boys, stop being so cute, I'm not going for that right now. Love, Sandi

Must convince myself I'm gay so I don't flirt with boys... Ahh, struggle! :(

I told him I didn't feel it. I'm with her. I like her... But I can't stand it when he's sad.

I wish I could hurry up & sell my plasma so I could lose this weight I gained to sell it.

I kno a family w/ a 3month old baby. They lose the house in 6days if we don't come up w/ the $. We made a paypal 4 donations: Nailz1234@yahoo.com Anything helps

4 my comic book: 1) create stupid characters. 2) Write crappy dialog. 3) Offend Every1. 4) Write vague/disturbing disclaimer. 5) Grossly overprice the crap.

I like women who look like they could kill me.

Attractive women in skimpy clothes. Roller derby with Aunt Ann. Fuck I'm a closet case to her.

It would be so sacreligious if my girlfriend's text tone went off in the middle of church. I would lol. Ans go to Hell :)

Donate to help a family keep their house. The paypal is Nailz1234@yahoo.com

I don't believe in belief or reality anymore. None of this or all of this could be real. And I'm doubting anything I don't like.

I need a fuck buddy. Since real love is just a bad idea.

If I walk down this hallway, insanity is the only end. If I turn back, I die... Lets pause & be glad for a moment that the hallway doesn't have tacky curtains.

If you marry me, that means you have committed a great sin and I am your eternal punishment.

I told him. It was an edited version of the truth, but I did tell him.

Sexuality is a big jumbled mess and we should all just love who we love and stop being uptight bitches about it.

Then again, I'm also in love with one of my friends... How anyone believes I'm gay is beyond me...

The "Take Me Out" scene in the movie version of Rent always gets me. Damn. How anyone believes I'm straight is beyond me...

Hey, I didn't know insomnia was a symptom of early stage schizophrenia. I learned that while I was not sleeping. How exciting!... Yea, looks like I'm crazy.

Just got a wedding invitation from my friends Sandy & Brad! That's crazy! Weren't we all just kids recently?

I think it's amazing that people all over the world can share their lives and never meet each other. We can be alone in life. And billions can know.

It's nights like these when the thirst is my enemy, not the emptiness.

The only truth left to accept is that there is no truth to know. I can never know what is real or what is right. Ever. And that scares me.

We're all constantly travelling through time. We don't know it because memory is a thing of the present.

Hey Steven, click my 'home page' link on twitter, look at this, and read that I think I'm in love with you and you shouldn't even want to talk to me...

I am probably going to do something really stupid soon, ruin a friendship, & potentially later kill myself... Yay.

My body & mind are failing at about equal rates now. Soon I won't have either. I can't handle being powerless. I can't handle this failure!

I think about it, and I had all of the signs they tell you about in pamphlets. People should maybe have been more concerned...

Mommy Dearest loves the phrase "It's not always the parents' fault." Yup, my parents are perfectly good, normal people/parents...in their own heads.

My parents are, allegedly, considering not funding my college. So I'm probably going to be killing myself soon.

I don't know who I am.

Working with Stephanie for the next few days should hold me over for a while...

Quote of the Day: "You should get your mom to smoke pot!" -Mandy. I like quotes that reflect my life...and they really do...

I never kno if how I feel is really how I feel b/c I'm crazy & my own feelings feel less real sometimes than the irrational crap up there. I have 2 wait a week.

I have a pretty great girlfriend.

Would it be wrong? I know it would. Fucking with the order of things is bad. I stopped doing that for a reason. But...

I sware if I keep thinking about him I'm going to cry. And thinking about other stuff is just as unhelpful.

We even look perfect together. Fuck!!! Someone stop me and give me your courage so I can stop thinking about all of this and just do something!

He's depressed. I'm a little depressed. I want to help him. I want him to be okay. I want us to be okay.

I'm not dating the man I love. No, but I am dating a girl I care about. I just want to make sure her first kiss is with someone who cares.

I wish this intrusive thought would go away. "I can kill everyone." No, no, you can't. Stfu.

I am always falling for derivations of the name Stephen/Stephan. Always. And never have they loved me back. Pathetic.

"I wanted to raise the kids Jewish. He wanted to sleep with men." - Will & Grace. Also my problem...

Reasons to keep a diary: 1) prevents multiple homicide. 2) prevents suicide. 3) helps you not forget stuff.

Know I've only been single 4 a day, but I never had these in my relationship either. I really want someone 2 hold me & 2 have intellectual conversations w/ me.

I think I'm going to kill myself.

A year and I didn't even get dat booty.

The guy with whom I am in love broke up with my boyfriend for me.

All I've ever wanted is for someone to be there for me, and I'm afraid soon there will be no one.

If I'm in a relationship and we're in love, why am I so lonely?

Took half an antidepressant and going to eat about 40lbs of chocolate. PMS is fun!

With all the fireworks, this would be a good time to grab a boy and kiss him passionately. I'm sure my boyfriend agrees.

I am on the brim of something horrible and I feel like jumping over the edge.

Am I a horrible person? Someone give an honest answer already...

If I blow out my brains, I think that would make everything stop. It would be cowardly & selfish, but it would all stop.

The secret to never having a fight is to never talk to each other & regard the other with mild indifference. It makes you suicidal, but you won't fight.

Someone destroy the part of the brain making me feel the wrong things. Even if I have to feel nothing, this is wrong.

I believe in Love. I really do. I also realize that it is a total bitch that will fuck you then shit in your face & somehow leave you looking like the skank.

In love with my boyfriend's best friend... How are you?

I haven't said anything. But it is really fucked up.

Have more necrotic flesh than I would like. Yay, cancer!

Something weird is going on in my head. I have a problem with being alone. These thoughts happen when I am alone, these oddities.

I hate when people about whom I care are depressed.

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

Long story short, we ended up not making a sex tape.

The last few days are the kind of days I want to look back on fondly & realize how glorious it was to be young & stupid.

I am a lot better actor than I am auditioner. Which shall destroy me forever.

There is something very wrong. I am not going to be able to handle turning 18. Not at all. Just fuck my life. Really. Fuck fuck fuck.

Yea, things are going to be a lot worse for me soon. I guess I'll be moving out, but getting my drivers license is not going to work...

If I lost about five pounds & got on the right medication(s), I would be a really good catch.

What we leave to the next generation is our decaying flesh and worthless currency.

I have the coolest religion ever. Because it is your religion, & everyone else's religion too. And it is only mine.

When people are mean They take the opportunity to try & make me do it. This time I feel like I might listen. This time I might die.

Probably should have taken that antidepressant today.

If my life were a book, it would be called 'as told by a minor character.' Some paper asked me this once. It took me 3 years to figure it out.

I love how ppl like me are so prone to self-medication that websites warn against it. And yet, here I go.

No matter how close we think we are, the distance is so huge that we can't really see each other. There are billions of atoms between us, so much empty space.

Fuck you if you pretend to care just so you can get information from me to fuck with someone else. Fuck you & fuck it.

I'm not sure I understand things anymore. I am starting to feel weird again. I don't like feeling this way.

Oh wait, maybe I didn't. Coolio.

I think I was just broken up with. By a gay guy. Um, fml?

"White ignorance is white bliss" - Andrew (Pheeb) Mullen.

Marijuana lowers your motivation. You want marijuana, but you become too lazy to get it, so you stop smoking it. Marijuana defeats itself!

I could use some good drugs right now. Why does my psychologist always try to make me feel like poo? I should question her choices for once.

I like opening up @ random intervals 2 random ppl, I think it somehow makes things better. Or those ppl just think mean stuff about me. I like 2 think it helps.

I wonder what these crazy dreams mean. And if any of them matter, and what reality really is. But for now, I will just love him & pretend I do not.

I once dreamt I was searching for his house - in a middle class neighborhood that was empty, houses spaced out. I knew it was here, but I didn't know which one.

This time last year we were having fun. There was nothing better to do for them.

People don't realize how mediocre I am. Mostly because I surround myself with mediocre people to make me seem better. My wonderful friends probably see though.

The Latin word for sheath is vagina. The word for sword is gladius. This also means penis. Basically, pone gladium in vagina. Latin is so ftw.

I realized I had low self-esteem when I was surprised that someone accepted my friends request on facebook.

Thank Hashem for Jewish haggling skills. Although, there was no way for me to get the good end of this deal. I did get other things, so things are just dandy.

No matter how profound of a change I feel within me, I know that I will go right back. There is progression within me. But there is also a strong regression.

Dear sun, Not only r u a big ball of fusion, u r a mass murderer that ppl love! I wanna b just like u when I grow up! (only I don't want 2 cause tans.)

I am in love w/ the wrong person. & I keep saying things 2 upset this person. They really care. Which makes it worse. Can't tell any1. & I am a terrible person.

When the delusions got really bad, I went whole days believing that I didn't exist & the people who saw me were crazy.

I don't feel love. I date ppl because they ask. When I see that some1 loves me too much, I break their heart so we both don't live unhappy lives. I know, evil.

When I am supplementing my teaching income by acting in commercials 4 Zanex or herpes meds, the people who joined my facebook fan club page will b disappointed.

I could sure go for a glass of potassium cyanide right now. Ha! Depression & suicide are funny!

I have no one to talk me down. Isn't it a wonderful situation when there is really no person in the world between you and dying horribly?

Be a fucking man. Don't leave me here to rot. Soon maggots will be crawling out my eyes and you will find you never knew me at all.

Well, that was a nice life.

Starting Monday, I go on a 2 week raw diet. I just need to get stuff out of my system. That & I've been gaining weight recently.

Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr gets my full approval so far. It is an awesome portrayal of life. Granted, I am only 85 pages into the 304 page book...

Honestly wondering if anything is worth anything anymore. Need to know if anything matters. I apologize for having such a dreary blog.

I am an incredibly clingy person.

The worst punishment in Hell is going to be when they put my soul back in my body. Luckily I don't believe in that stuff.

There's very thin ice between The Darkness and I. And this feels like a major fracture.

Even escaping isn't escaping. That thing people do is just another trap. I genuinely have no escape here. Not suicide, not anything. I am going insane.

My house has really negative energies. I can't be there very long, it affects me too much. I can be anywhere else & be okay. Just not here.

Their hold on me just gets stronger when I am alone. I don't think I will survive if my life stays as it is. I am utterly alone.

Someone end my life. Take me to Hell tonight. Just bring me Anything but this.

I know I'm not like other people, but I do need some of the social interaction they do. Being alone all the time isn't really working. I should call someone.

People keep telling me I need sunlight. I need sunlight like you need a bear up your ass. Love, Sandi.

I exist to harm. In ending it, I hurt people. In not, I still hurt them. If I end it, I will hurt people after. Prepare, friends, to have your hearts broken.

As an animal rights activist, I am not so much anti-death as I am anti-suffering. Things shouldn't be tortured. This is the misunderstood part of my beliefs.

With every page I write, I end a little of my life. But the writing is all that is prolonging it. Irony, I know, but it's an okay deal.

I can physically feel their tugs. Maybe that's just the sleep deprivation.

I almost feel bad for all those Gary Coleman jokes now... Eh, oh well. RIP Gary Coleman.

They r trying 2 pull me in2 The Darkness. I'm not in it yet. If I listen & kill myself when they're here I'll go in2 It. I won't b pulled in. Voices, talk away.

I'm not your average girl. All I want is your whole world.

I was texting & someone beside me was saying something I didn't fully catch, so I looked up then remembered I was alone. Funniest thing ever.

Maybe I am just beginning to not exist & that is why I do not know how I came to seem so real. I am just being pulled into The Darkness. I can maybe escape.

I guess fighting The Darkness is a worthwhile cause. I have faith in my false hopes. I could be real & stop not existing within It. Poison is nectar to Nothing.

I don't have fun with my friends anymore.

Skipped out on school & walked downtown today. Staying on the last day felt wrong.

I thought today would be okay. But the darkness is overwhelming me.

I don't exist. I really wish I did. The voices don't exist & I don't. It is both of our purposes to drive people insane. They are working. I wish I wasn't.

I'm a mess. I really am. And no person on Earth can or wants to help me.

You got what you wanted, now you won't bother with an attempt to make me feel better - or find out what's wrong. Ah, friendship. I just need a human outlet...

Commissioned $30 for paintings atm. Have received $5. My brain is doing jumbly things right now. I'm a little confused inside...

That giant frontal lobe and incorrect brain chemistry are probably great for the art world... I am thinking I will do that art minor after all. I'm almost okay.

Thanks to twitter, my career as an artist has really kicked off. I am selling one tomorrow and am commissioned to paint another.

Tomorrow, I beat Van Gough. Him: 1 Me: 2 Now I just have to cut off my ear. Or not. The point here being, I am selling a second painting.

Went on a 6 mile hike today. It was hotter than band camp, but it was great. I was pretty sure I would pass out, but I didn't. A little proud of that.

I have way too many hormones and a frontal lobe the size of Texas. Being a teenager is awesome. Being crazy is pretty much the same.

I don't write fiction to reflect my life. Almost never, actually. I do write songs that way. This one is called Fuck Me Or Fuck Off.

It's tough for me to have friends or other relationships. Harder to build any trust. I can't go & get a new man & new friends with ease. This all really sucks.

The flashes are coming back. How wonderful, an image of me slitting my own throat with scissors. My frontal lobe needs to go on a diet before the voices start.

Mommy & Daddy are getting a divorce. Mommy is insane, sorry kids, you will never see me again and I will probably kill myself. Have fun with your idiot father.

My boyfriend is an untalented douche. It is clear that he does not love me and I am going to have to stop feeling for him. No more dating Christian boys.

Deep down, I'm just looking for someone to save me. Preferably before the blood loss starts.

My vagina must have teeth.

Rejection: It feels great. You should all try it. Doesn't make me want to kill myself at all. I love you, babe. Can't wait to stop.

I need a boy who thinks like I do. Anyone know the number for the nearest mental hospital?

It's a little sad how lonely I am. It really is. If I had the point of view gun from Hitchhiker's Guide, there would be suicides all over & I'd be locked up.

Lol, I was watching a horror film & thought, 'Her white jacket is symbolic of innocence... & bad in hostile situations.' Lol, zombie survival + AP English.

I lost track of reality a while ago. Now the only things real things are the ones I am touching.

I give up. I am not fighting love and I'm not fighting suicide. I am too burnt out for this. Rip me apart. Do it. Just don't expect it to end well.

I am unlovable. Stephanie hates me, Jordan is gay & I am a terrible girlfriend anyway. I cause pain. There is no reason to continue this. Except fucking fear.

I make myself angry sometimes. Damn compulsive disorders. I am going to be bald if this doesn't stop. And that stress just makes it worse. I should buy a wig...

They have free counseling services @ Transy & I'll b an adult, so my parents won't have 2 be told & I can talk. The lady seemed nice...I hope I let this happen.

Tied with Van Gough - sold 1 painting today, for 80 cents. Sold it to a friend who loved it. It was just a watercolour seascape I did in a couple hours...coolio

Crying in the bathroom at my senior year band banquet. I love the way things are with me.

The more I deny something's existence, the more real it becomes. The voices are more real than people's smiles. I know they aren't, but they are.

Have been mutineed, my bf is probably gay, I think things happened that are bad that I just remembered, and I am failing classes. But the wine is good.

I am a Pirate, and it is Killing Me.

I was always intended to work the light board in our theatre. Then we switched directors.
As flexible as I am, I cannot remove the knife from my back.

It is really sad how much I love the girl who took my place. We have been friends for four years, and she willingly and knowingly stole my rightful place. Since this mutiny I have been torn between loving and hating her, a torment that has brought me to tears and agony many times.

I did not despise them, I simply quit the play so I would not have to see the people who mutineed me, going into in a self-inflicted exile. I spoke to them and made a joke contained within their script. They shunned me themselves.

They say such tears in the mind between love and hate or other things cause people to snap and kill others or themselves.
They are right.

To quote Jack Sparrow, There is a deep circle of Hell reserved for mutineers. I was not the captain, but I was captain of that lightboard. Now my lightboard has been ripped away and these unfit pirates are commanding the chip that is rightfuly mine.
I feel like firing the cannons.

Took my AP English Lit exam today. Don't know how I did, don't ask. Coming down with a fever and fairly brain dead. I want to sleep for a year or so.

I need out of the usual. I am stuck. Without self destruction, I need to do something drastic and freeing. I will break out. Or I will go insane. Onward.

Prom Pictures

Thank you for the vent...

I am wondering who reads my blog. I have not looked at it from the internet in some time. I personally would not read this crap. But it gives me the feeling I am actually communicating with people and telling them the insane things I think, know, and think I know. I really can't talk to anyone else. People suggest a psychologist when I say that, but the fact is that a psychologist is a person and I cannot get through to them. I was suicidal for a while, as I have said. I was in a very depressed state.
But I thought I was okay. Always when I had intrusive thoughts they said things like 'you should kill yourself' - always self harm. Well I am not depressed. People irritate me and I really can't do nothing. I cannot handle people I normally like. Their problems (and the talk of their problems) makes me want to either vomit or forcibly silence them. Recently an intrusive thought said to kill other people.
I am behaving in a rather paranoid way and my friends who helped me out are infuriating me. I only really have one person to whom I can talk about these things. But he has a new girlfriend and when I talk to him about these things, I am interupting his time with her and making him unhappy at my insanity. I cannot do that. I love him - I want him to be happy. I really do. It's not like I love him in the stupid high school way or the I-want-to-screw-you way, but just love in the sense that I really want him to be happy. That is all I want for him. It's not like a brother or like a lover. There is no relationship with which to compare it and I am quite sure he does not love me (although some of his reactions to the idea of the harm coming to me that my brain intends suggest otherwise) but I honestly could care less if he loves me. I really wish I did not love him. I wish my brain worked and I didn't need him. But the fact is I am ripping out his happiness and his unhappiness is ripping out my heart. I cannot communicate these things elsewhere. I cannot talk to him because I hurt him. And I cannot tell him that I love him and want him to be happy and forget that I have problems or that I even ever existed. If I could figure out how to control any of these emotions and thoughts, I am quite sure I would be perfectly happy and never have to spoil his happiness.
But I have yet to figure out how to do that.

Prom

Today was my prom.
There was a tornado watch. My boyfriend danced on guys more than he did me. I keep getting images of me killing myself tonight. I have had horrible flashes of me killing myself on prom night for a week or so. I was just a little afraid.

Our photographer was great, she was smoking when we arrived - fifteen minutes late. She made such comments as 'Wow those are some huge knockers!' and squeezed us in before the next group arrived.

I took some anti-anxiety medication this morning because I knew we would be late and I have a slight phobia of being late. It knocked me on my ass. I slept until 1 then got ready swiftly and headed to do everything we needed to do.

I had a good time. I just feel empty. Like high school is almost over and there is nothing after it. I will be away from all of my friends and life will change.

This was my senior prom.
Now what?

Epic Fail...mentally, at least

I keep getting myself into these situations.

Due to a recent bought of depression, I am failing 2 classes the last semester of my senior year. This is just mid term, so I can pull the grades up, but if I don't maintain a 3.0 for the year, I risk losing my academic scholarship to Transy.
My AP English teacher understood when I told her I "was going through a tough time" and is letting me make up the work. I have not spoken to the other teacher, but I am considering dropping that credit if at all possible. I have to put things back together and I do not need any added stress. If not, I hope she accepts that I was going through a tough time and does not pry. I really do not need a guidance referral.

The sad part is that all of this stuff just did not matter. I was going to kill myself. School work was not at the top of my mind.

I nearly had a panic attack in my English teacher's room, she calmly told me to breathe and that I could make it up. I don't think she knew what else to do.
I am feeling really bad about all this. But I need to focus and not let myself slip into depression again.
I can't believe what I have done to myself...

Class of 2010, we rule

Sent my deposit. I am officially a student at Transylvania University. I schedule classes soon, my prom is next weekend, and graduation is flying towards me. I am honestly very shocked that I made it through high school. Many friends were lost throughout the four years - mostly to car crashes, but also to suicide and even just to separate ideals. I did not suspect freshman year that I would be among the survivors walking across the stage in ugly purple gowns and those funny hats. Looking back on my high school experience, I am very glad it was a typical one: I was goth, joined drama club. I was a memberof the marching band, became terribly addicted to Mountain Dew, and joined just about every club in the school plus AP and dual credit classes. I stressed over finals and relationships to the point of pulling out my hair - to the brink of life, even. I went to school with all of those stereotypes you ought to have known. I lived, I loved, I felt awkward sexual tensions and lost friends. I nearly ended my own life. And yes, my art teacher wore lots of sweater vests. I am very happy, looking back on my high school, the sweater vests, my band director's crazy tie collection. Even seeing my band director cheering from the football stands in my head as I took the ACT. I think to skipping class in the Latin room and insisting to my Latin teacher & her current class that we were bffs. And I am very happy I experienced all I did and learned so much from it. Thank you, HCHS Class of 2010! Ugly ties rule the world and having prom in the school's gym actually does count as a prom. And thank you anyone at the high school who tried to be nice to me. I may not be exceptionally articulate about things, but I do see it when you try to help me, and do what is right, even if it is only right by you. Sometimes these things were the only things giving me faith in humanity. But I could not tell you this. It was not your struggle, it was not your experience. Thank you, my friends, for saving my life. The Class of 2010, you are the world now. I know we will succeed. I already have. And for this, I thank you.

I talked to my friend today. The aforementioned suicidal one. We walked around the park, sat in a coffee shop... We have been texting about these thoughts and all... But today we really talked. It felt like a suicide support group. An unregulated one in which we laughed about our suicidal thoughts. We laughed about things that probably should not have been funny... Support group sounds so preposterous... But I felt better after we hung out. And I really hope he did. I am a lot less worried about him. I am just hoping now that things will be okay.

I gave my friend who is a little messed up a journal. I have been close to suicide before and my diary has saved my life. I suspected that he was in the same boat and I have unfortunately discovered I am correct. He said the journal has kept him alive. He told me that he is trying to get better. He allotted himself 120 pages to get better. 120 pages. Then if he is not better, he says, he will have gone over the edge. My friend's life will end in 120 pages. Suicide is a big deal. I am scared as hell for my own life. And now I am even more scared for his life. He is one of those people who can really change things. And I don't even just care because of that. We aren't even that close. But I care about him. He is so cool and so neat... His personality has so much worth knowing... And 120 pages is so small... He is going to end his life in that time. I can't let this happen. But I can't stop it. And what if our brains are right? I need to save him. But how do I save him if I can't save myself?

Just realized that I forgot to blog about gay prom. So when I get on the computer next, this will be about the school and my last blog will be about gay prom. coolio. i hope no one looks at this beforehand.

My boyfriend got kicked out of school today. He only needs three credits to graduate. Now he has to go to the alternative school and cannot walk with us at graduation. Worse, the teacher who suggested it lied. He wrote that he had done parent-teacher conferences. This is impossible as Jordan has no legal guardian, lives alone, and his mom is dead and his father left and has no permanent address and may be incarcerated. The degree from the academy is a lesser degree on which it is difficult to get into college. They are ruining his life over a couple low grades. The school also has a computerized credit recovery program for which they are saying he is not eligible. However this particular situation is exactly the purpose of the credit recovery program. Jordan has no parents to fight this thing and we don't know how to get around it. I am going to talk to the administration about it, but unless I can plead the case, his life and his highschool experience is ruined.

That's kinda how it is...

One of the tragedies of my life is that I will kill myself eventually.

I do not want to kill myself, but one night when I am alone with a knife and a mixed episode I will.

The odds were never good - child of divorce, low income family, bipolar disorder... Plus I guess I count as lgbt and the odds go up a little there too... Plus my aunt planned her suicide a while back and I am behaving more and more like my skitzophrenic uncle every day.
Suicide seems inevitable with the circumstances and I always back out of asking for help. Help wouldn't be that helpful anyway.

Tragedy is acceptable in Drama. My life might be dramatic enough to play it off.
It is not a good thing for a seventeen year old to have accepted her end is near. But there is little else to be done now but to live and to hope not to die.

Dahvie Monroe Star

Dahvie Monroe Star is our 7 week old yorkie puppy. He fits in the palm of most people's hands (Assuming they aren't like me and have normal sized hands). His daddy and I took him out yesterday and got a cute little carrying case - pink and white with colored polka dots - and put a little purple collar with a bell on him.

Dahvie hasn't quite learned to bark yet, and he isn't quite big enough for the extra extra small doggie snuggie, but he is our cute little furball and we love him.

You can see him during the day here: http://stickam.com/jordanundead

More adventures with the cutest, tiniest dog ever to come!

How are You Today?

How are You Today?

I thought this was a great blog - because I have to ask myself what to tell people most days - How am I? Then How do I say I am?

Just wanted to share that...

I'm sleepy and We Have a Puppy now

I chose no sleep last night - faling asleep anyway in short intervals. Now I am drifting off very quickly and going into REM very quickly. The problem is that I am at school.

Last night all of my friends went on an epic car ride to the middle of nowhere. Only a couple knew why, I was sitting at home and they would not tell me what they were doing...

We finally got our yorkie puppy!
My boyfreind and I have been trying o get a yorkie puppy since last summer and we finally have it!

It is at home right now, I have yet to meet the little furball but will when we go to the apartment later...
His name is Dahvie Monroe Star and during the day we are opening Jordan's stickam chatroom with him so we can go on and see him any time: https://stickam.com/jordanundead

The one problem is that our cat, Nikki, has not taken a liking to Dahvie. We are worried the two will not get along...

I don't want to walk around in my sleep anymore

I don't know if sleepwalking is related to bipolar disorder or if I am just weird, but my brother and I both sleepwalk and we do not know if he is bipolar.

But I used to wake up at 2 a.m. in the shower. Recently I actually sent texts in my sleep & ate.

So sometimes I lay in bed worried to go to sleep because I could text someone, eat gross stuff, wander into the forest... I don't know..

This might not be a rational fear, but I don't often recall sleepwalking & when I do it is vague. So I am afraid of what I might do & not remember. And that is almost making me afraid to sleep...

Yeah, Hiking Kills People

Today's hike was a lot more tiring than the last one.
I don't know if it was our much steadier pace due to a more active group, or the fact that I climbed on a bunch of stuff thus doing extra activity, or my raw diet, but I was a lot more exhausted.

Everyone else seemed equally tired... I think there was just a different tempo & mood to the hike this time...

But after a few ppl left the hike got better. We decided that a few of us non-slow ppl are going to go on an off-trail adventure to look for an abandoned cabin in the reserve that may or may not exist.
It's a little ridiculous, but it's something for a bunch of teenagers to do on a Saturday...

My lentils have sprouted nicely.

I took almost a cup of sprouted lentils, added water, and blended it.
Then added a ton of cajun seasoning and sea salt to taste.
It might be the starvation, but it was delicious.

Now working on food ideas for my hike tomorrow...

A baggy of walnuts, maybe a carrot-flax burger, some fruits & veggies... I don't really know yet, but I'll have the recipes posted if I make something amazing!

Random Thoughts on Time Travel

Time travel seems to me as if u could go anywhere in your timeline, just shifting your consciousness back or forward.
But when u go forward & know things about the future u cannot bring the knowledge back with u to an earlier place on the timeline . which the events have not occurred.
So our lives are just a relative thing and we may be simultaneously every place we have ever been, just going along a timeline. All the way from the time our embryos develop sensory to our death. And we shift to & from that point of death infinitely.
Our bodies go on a timeline & our consciousness is gone at the point when our brain is beyond it. But still we are ever on this timeline, in all places we have been for all times we felt. Time becomes relative.
We are infinite.

Raw Day 3:

I am less hungry today. And my lentils are starting to sprout, so I can start doing something with those...

Raw Carrot-Flax Burger:

1 carrot, washed
Some ground flax seed
random spices (I like cajun & cayenne pepper, but garlic & onion are a must)

Grate the carrot using a fine grater. Add flax seed and spices, mush together.
Cover surface in flax seed and spices.
Shape into patty, roll in flax and spices until lightly coated.
Eat.

Mine was too spicy, but it was much more filling than most of the raw foods I've eaten... I am going to make this more often! Maybe I will start using the dehydrator to make it stick better and have a more burger-ey consistencey...

RIP Corey Haim

Corey Haim drove girls mad in his most known film, The Lost Boys (1987). This and his other roles made him a teen idol.

For years goths have loved this film and seen Haim as an idol to their culture as well.

I was born in the 90's and I still loved Corey Haim. I remember watching The Lost Boys when I was very young and being scared shitless.

So I am very sad to say that he has died.

Cause of death is not known yet. He reported flu-like symptoms before his death, but it is known that the actor had a long struggle with drugs before falling from the grace of Hollywood.

Haim, 38, died at 2:15 a.m. (PST) on March 10, 2010.

Our thoughts will be with the actor's family and friends.

My Raw Food Diet - Day 2

I am getting recipes. The problem is that my family doesn't have the col gadgets in our kitchen and we dont' have much raw food in our house.
We have non-cooked canned tomatoes that we canned from our garden, carrots, old celery, grapes, organic oatmeal that I am soaking tonight for breakfast tomorrow, and lentils which plan on sprouting or grinding and making a cold soup.

The things we do have as far as gadgets: a dehydrator, and a blender.

I am looking into making some kind of raw burger out of carrots tonight in the dehydrator, and raw soups...
But right now I am starving and eating salads and fruit...

It will get better.
It's only a week this time...

Updates that have nothing to do with each other:

My brain keeps saying terrible things & they slip out sometimes in conversation. In short: I was a total bitch today.
Wondering how other people make their brains be quiet...

24 hours ago I started a weeklong raw diet - no cooked foods!

So far it is sucking.

Raw diets are very healthy if done right. It gets all of the sugar & fat out of your diet & lets you take in the nutrients that are released during cooking.
I am eating uncooked seeds & nuts for protein and other nutrients...
I am also always hungry. This is super healthy and all, but it kinda sucks.

I hope to lose a few pounds. If I do I might diet a little longer just to get super thin... I'll share my results.

It's not funny...

Went prom dress shopping today.
I had this crazy mood in the store. I would like to blame it on the unhelpful salespeople (and I did at the time), but I know it isn't them.

As we drove home I played loud music and hoped we would crash into a ditch and die. Thank God(s) I wasn't driving.
I tried 2 make myself happy, but I kept wishing to die regardless. That, and having crazy thoughts about things...
I talked 2 myself - said it would be okay, told my brain to shut up and start working right. I ripped up paper 2 keep my hands busy so I wouldn't pull out my hair like I do during times like those...

Then I started laughing. There was nothing funny.

I kept laughing and everything got more and more hysterical.

Then I got home, binge ate, and felt great.

I'm okay now, I think. This was a bad one... I am glad I was not alone for this. I mean, I did crazy things in front of my friends & future husband, but I could have done a lot worse.

Thank (diety of choice) for not being alone and for my future husband...

Psychadelic Techno Makes Me Cream My Pants...

So do unknown artists...
And great synth work...

But that and the title are all another story...

Kris Zaragoza, also known as openchakra is an awesome artist that I have been checking out for a while. His music is awesome and he has an interesting and unique perspective. I hope you guys will check out openchakra...
openchakra.com/www.openchakra.com/Home.html
www.kriszaragoza.com/Site/kris_zaragoza.com-_website_of_musician_and_digital_artist,_kris_zaragoza..html

It's generally awesome.
That's all I can really say.
Then again, I just like hearing from people who have friend most of their brain on drugs...

My Lost Friend

With each passing moment
I grow farther from you
Time flees beneath our feet.

Every tick of the clock
I am dragged away.

We were close once
I'd turn to find you already there.

Do my eyes lie?
I am dragged away.
I do not see you running after me.

Nails break, voice shatters,
Unable to leave you behind.

Without you I am a shadow
A memory of what once was.

Tears and blood stain the ground.
A silent battlefield.
It's time we're fighting.

You do not care that I love you anymore.

My heart is left,
in that highschool battlefield.

You no longer fight for me.

Just a poem I wrote... Really feeling it lately...

Bunnies are Cute

Having a great day.
I conquered my fear of rabbits (kind of) and delivered 3 to a friend of mine.


I have been afraid of rabbits for a long time. Anything that moves quickly and startles me is a real problem sometimes.

But I took three of the rabbits to my friends - they were keeping two and one was for a friend.

The cute little things rode calmly in their box in the car, never jumping out or showing a sign of being anything but cute, fluffy things.


They named them Momiji and Tac. They are calico bunnies & their quick movement scared me when they were let out of the box.
But they grew docile and I grew warm to them, holding them and all.
Tac clawed me and scared me by jumping around while in my arms, but I got over a lot of the freaky twitching...
Do I trust all bunnies? No.
Do I love Tac and Momiji? Yes.

(Momiji is the closets with the most white, Tac further back and darker)

Weight Loss: I stopped caring

For a long time I have tried to control the weight on my 4'9" frame. It has hovered between 90 and 110 depending on my eating binges and how I dealt with them.

But I got a super confidence when I looked at the blog of one of my followers and saw that their goal weight was 155.
Yeah, I decided that there really isn't a way I am goingto get fat.

So it's totally okay if I actually eat.

Thanks for being fat.
You all make me feel good about myself.

Mental Disorders: I'm crazy and it's okay...I hope

I have a bunch of art that I need to put on my deviant art account... But I don't have home internet and I cannot access that site through the school's internet. I have a lot of stuff I need to do and there really isn't much I can do about that right now.

I have been struggling with this wonderful mind of mine for a while and it is getting a lot harder to do anything but make art and stuff... I don't think I am handling things...Like, at all.

I can't really think anymore and I seem to have gone a little mental - I ate a four pound chocolate cake in one setting a couple days ago... And I know that I am being delusional when I regain composure, but I swear people laugh at me and hate me everywhere I go... When they laugh, it is at me. And all of my friends hate me. All of the people hate me.
And I am starting to hate them too.

You want to know the greatest part of being crazy? No medical insurance.
Congress should give me mental health insurance really quickly so I can get pills...
And researched some treatments - what the fuck is talk therapy supposed to do for people with social anxiety symptoms and delusions that people hate them/mock them? I swear if they made me sit and talk for hours I would just leave...or I would end up involuntarily in a mental hospital...

But you should see the quality of some of the stuff I am writing! It's absolutely disturbing! And I've painted like ten nudes just out of my head - most of which are headless with gross flesh and blood coming out of their severed necks... One is missing a face and others have blank faces (I was too lazy to paint faces)

I know that you guys don't care because you only read my work to laugh at it and think it is awful, but I am not posting anything for a while, sorry if you actually liked something I did.

When Mr. Obama gets me pills, I will not be the same person and my art will suffer extremely so I will probably post what I am making now then become a zombie.

So when I get around to posting the zillion new pictures and a bunch of writing and paintings, I hope you all enjoy them, I will never be me again, I have already lost that, and the stuff in my brain that made everything so strange and awful will be scooped out and fed to aliens...
So they will be, effectively, eating my deranged soul, making the rest of me happy, and ruining any potential as an artist that I have.

I used to be super afraid of that, but now I am welcoming it. Me isn't very cool anyway. And honestly, things have gotten so bad that there really isn't anything else to do short of suicide. And I am terribly afraid of bodily Death...
This is not a suicide threat. There is no consideration there, I am merely citing examples of how many people dealt with similar situations.

You can see that I am terrified of being put in a hospital, and of doctors and people trying to talk to me and fix me that way...

I will be fine soon...
Just having an episode.

Usually I try to avoid putting things like this on the internet for all of my future employers, my family/friends, and random people to see... But It's 2 AM and thinking clearly is already not a strong point of mine...

If anyone else is feeling the same way (and if you remotely understood any of this, I worry about you) I just want to say, you aren't alone. There are people sitting in their rooms crying or looking up information on why they are crazy at 2 AM after pulling out a good deal of their hair all over the world.
Don't kill yourself.
It isn't worth the risk of failure. And I'm sure there will be emotional stuff for your family and/or friends...

I don't know how this turned into an anti-suicide blog...
Just...there are pills that can make you happy. If you can't get help because you can't talk to your parents about it, I am sure you can get them from teenagers who are diagnosed but unwilling to medicate until you turn 18...
And find a psychiatrist who is willing to minimalize session time and actually give you things to make you sane...

People will tell you that you can control it by talking to people, keeping a diary, charting your delusions and moods... I have 2 diaries and keep a mood chart and I am still crazy...
Take the pills.
Don't kill yourself.
All of that crap.

Sorry that you're crazy.

DIY Sleep Deprivation: Life as a Student

Scattered on the floor are empty coffee shots with black labels and yellow letters, "2 a day maximum," dripping their last few drops on crumpled papers between scattered textbooks. Three go in the morning coffee, none in the later lattes. English 101, 102, and AP Chemistry classes have to be juggled with college applications, social life, clubs, and State Foreign Language Festival studies. Sleep was the one droppable activity.





My personal story is unfortunately the story of many high school students fighting to stay ahead in a world of hyper speed. With the risks of caffeine and other uppers, with the risks of sleep loss starting to catch up, students cannot escape the cycle. If they take a moment to rest their eyes, the world shifts around them and the workload piles even higher.

Energy drinks and caffeine pills seem to be a staple to the pre-college and college student. These drinks are shown to cause damage when overused and not properly resting can cause and array of symptoms and is often used as a torture technique. Symptoms range from irritability, slurred speech, to tremors and heart problems. People who haven't slept have lower reaction times and are at risk for depression. Yet students everywhere are continually skipping this necessary rest to keep up with the world around them. people move to fast to sleep.





This problem is not being addressed by schools, the workload keeps piling higher and higher until eventually it will all crash down on the sleepless student, that coffee shot will not be able to keep it away any longer...

One day I will have time for blogging and sleep. For now, wish me luck on my test!