Thank you for the vent...

I am wondering who reads my blog. I have not looked at it from the internet in some time. I personally would not read this crap. But it gives me the feeling I am actually communicating with people and telling them the insane things I think, know, and think I know. I really can't talk to anyone else. People suggest a psychologist when I say that, but the fact is that a psychologist is a person and I cannot get through to them. I was suicidal for a while, as I have said. I was in a very depressed state.
But I thought I was okay. Always when I had intrusive thoughts they said things like 'you should kill yourself' - always self harm. Well I am not depressed. People irritate me and I really can't do nothing. I cannot handle people I normally like. Their problems (and the talk of their problems) makes me want to either vomit or forcibly silence them. Recently an intrusive thought said to kill other people.
I am behaving in a rather paranoid way and my friends who helped me out are infuriating me. I only really have one person to whom I can talk about these things. But he has a new girlfriend and when I talk to him about these things, I am interupting his time with her and making him unhappy at my insanity. I cannot do that. I love him - I want him to be happy. I really do. It's not like I love him in the stupid high school way or the I-want-to-screw-you way, but just love in the sense that I really want him to be happy. That is all I want for him. It's not like a brother or like a lover. There is no relationship with which to compare it and I am quite sure he does not love me (although some of his reactions to the idea of the harm coming to me that my brain intends suggest otherwise) but I honestly could care less if he loves me. I really wish I did not love him. I wish my brain worked and I didn't need him. But the fact is I am ripping out his happiness and his unhappiness is ripping out my heart. I cannot communicate these things elsewhere. I cannot talk to him because I hurt him. And I cannot tell him that I love him and want him to be happy and forget that I have problems or that I even ever existed. If I could figure out how to control any of these emotions and thoughts, I am quite sure I would be perfectly happy and never have to spoil his happiness.
But I have yet to figure out how to do that.