I have a bunch of art that I need to put on my deviant art account... But I don't have home internet and I cannot access that site through the school's internet. I have a lot of stuff I need to do and there really isn't much I can do about that right now.
I have been struggling with this wonderful mind of mine for a while and it is getting a lot harder to do anything but make art and stuff... I don't think I am handling things...Like, at all.
I can't really think anymore and I seem to have gone a little mental - I ate a four pound chocolate cake in one setting a couple days ago... And I know that I am being delusional when I regain composure, but I swear people laugh at me and hate me everywhere I go... When they laugh, it is at me. And all of my friends hate me. All of the people hate me.
And I am starting to hate them too.
You want to know the greatest part of being crazy? No medical insurance.
Congress should give me mental health insurance really quickly so I can get pills...
And researched some treatments - what the fuck is talk therapy supposed to do for people with social anxiety symptoms and delusions that people hate them/mock them? I swear if they made me sit and talk for hours I would just leave...or I would end up involuntarily in a mental hospital...
But you should see the quality of some of the stuff I am writing! It's absolutely disturbing! And I've painted like ten nudes just out of my head - most of which are headless with gross flesh and blood coming out of their severed necks... One is missing a face and others have blank faces (I was too lazy to paint faces)
I know that you guys don't care because you only read my work to laugh at it and think it is awful, but I am not posting anything for a while, sorry if you actually liked something I did.
When Mr. Obama gets me pills, I will not be the same person and my art will suffer extremely so I will probably post what I am making now then become a zombie.
So when I get around to posting the zillion new pictures and a bunch of writing and paintings, I hope you all enjoy them, I will never be me again, I have already lost that, and the stuff in my brain that made everything so strange and awful will be scooped out and fed to aliens...
So they will be, effectively, eating my deranged soul, making the rest of me happy, and ruining any potential as an artist that I have.
I used to be super afraid of that, but now I am welcoming it. Me isn't very cool anyway. And honestly, things have gotten so bad that there really isn't anything else to do short of suicide. And I am terribly afraid of bodily Death...
This is not a suicide threat. There is no consideration there, I am merely citing examples of how many people dealt with similar situations.
You can see that I am terrified of being put in a hospital, and of doctors and people trying to talk to me and fix me that way...
I will be fine soon...
Just having an episode.
Usually I try to avoid putting things like this on the internet for all of my future employers, my family/friends, and random people to see... But It's 2 AM and thinking clearly is already not a strong point of mine...
If anyone else is feeling the same way (and if you remotely understood any of this, I worry about you) I just want to say, you aren't alone. There are people sitting in their rooms crying or looking up information on why they are crazy at 2 AM after pulling out a good deal of their hair all over the world.
Don't kill yourself.
It isn't worth the risk of failure. And I'm sure there will be emotional stuff for your family and/or friends...
I don't know how this turned into an anti-suicide blog...
Just...there are pills that can make you happy. If you can't get help because you can't talk to your parents about it, I am sure you can get them from teenagers who are diagnosed but unwilling to medicate until you turn 18...
And find a psychiatrist who is willing to minimalize session time and actually give you things to make you sane...
People will tell you that you can control it by talking to people, keeping a diary, charting your delusions and moods... I have 2 diaries and keep a mood chart and I am still crazy...
Take the pills.
Don't kill yourself.
All of that crap.
Sorry that you're crazy.
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