I talked to my friend today. The aforementioned suicidal one. We walked around the park, sat in a coffee shop... We have been texting about these thoughts and all... But today we really talked. It felt like a suicide support group. An unregulated one in which we laughed about our suicidal thoughts. We laughed about things that probably should not have been funny... Support group sounds so preposterous... But I felt better after we hung out. And I really hope he did. I am a lot less worried about him. I am just hoping now that things will be okay.

I gave my friend who is a little messed up a journal. I have been close to suicide before and my diary has saved my life. I suspected that he was in the same boat and I have unfortunately discovered I am correct. He said the journal has kept him alive. He told me that he is trying to get better. He allotted himself 120 pages to get better. 120 pages. Then if he is not better, he says, he will have gone over the edge. My friend's life will end in 120 pages. Suicide is a big deal. I am scared as hell for my own life. And now I am even more scared for his life. He is one of those people who can really change things. And I don't even just care because of that. We aren't even that close. But I care about him. He is so cool and so neat... His personality has so much worth knowing... And 120 pages is so small... He is going to end his life in that time. I can't let this happen. But I can't stop it. And what if our brains are right? I need to save him. But how do I save him if I can't save myself?

Just realized that I forgot to blog about gay prom. So when I get on the computer next, this will be about the school and my last blog will be about gay prom. coolio. i hope no one looks at this beforehand.

My boyfriend got kicked out of school today. He only needs three credits to graduate. Now he has to go to the alternative school and cannot walk with us at graduation. Worse, the teacher who suggested it lied. He wrote that he had done parent-teacher conferences. This is impossible as Jordan has no legal guardian, lives alone, and his mom is dead and his father left and has no permanent address and may be incarcerated. The degree from the academy is a lesser degree on which it is difficult to get into college. They are ruining his life over a couple low grades. The school also has a computerized credit recovery program for which they are saying he is not eligible. However this particular situation is exactly the purpose of the credit recovery program. Jordan has no parents to fight this thing and we don't know how to get around it. I am going to talk to the administration about it, but unless I can plead the case, his life and his highschool experience is ruined.

That's kinda how it is...

One of the tragedies of my life is that I will kill myself eventually.

I do not want to kill myself, but one night when I am alone with a knife and a mixed episode I will.

The odds were never good - child of divorce, low income family, bipolar disorder... Plus I guess I count as lgbt and the odds go up a little there too... Plus my aunt planned her suicide a while back and I am behaving more and more like my skitzophrenic uncle every day.
Suicide seems inevitable with the circumstances and I always back out of asking for help. Help wouldn't be that helpful anyway.

Tragedy is acceptable in Drama. My life might be dramatic enough to play it off.
It is not a good thing for a seventeen year old to have accepted her end is near. But there is little else to be done now but to live and to hope not to die.

Dahvie Monroe Star

Dahvie Monroe Star is our 7 week old yorkie puppy. He fits in the palm of most people's hands (Assuming they aren't like me and have normal sized hands). His daddy and I took him out yesterday and got a cute little carrying case - pink and white with colored polka dots - and put a little purple collar with a bell on him.

Dahvie hasn't quite learned to bark yet, and he isn't quite big enough for the extra extra small doggie snuggie, but he is our cute little furball and we love him.

You can see him during the day here: http://stickam.com/jordanundead

More adventures with the cutest, tiniest dog ever to come!

How are You Today?

How are You Today?

I thought this was a great blog - because I have to ask myself what to tell people most days - How am I? Then How do I say I am?

Just wanted to share that...

I'm sleepy and We Have a Puppy now

I chose no sleep last night - faling asleep anyway in short intervals. Now I am drifting off very quickly and going into REM very quickly. The problem is that I am at school.

Last night all of my friends went on an epic car ride to the middle of nowhere. Only a couple knew why, I was sitting at home and they would not tell me what they were doing...

We finally got our yorkie puppy!
My boyfreind and I have been trying o get a yorkie puppy since last summer and we finally have it!

It is at home right now, I have yet to meet the little furball but will when we go to the apartment later...
His name is Dahvie Monroe Star and during the day we are opening Jordan's stickam chatroom with him so we can go on and see him any time: https://stickam.com/jordanundead

The one problem is that our cat, Nikki, has not taken a liking to Dahvie. We are worried the two will not get along...

I don't want to walk around in my sleep anymore

I don't know if sleepwalking is related to bipolar disorder or if I am just weird, but my brother and I both sleepwalk and we do not know if he is bipolar.

But I used to wake up at 2 a.m. in the shower. Recently I actually sent texts in my sleep & ate.

So sometimes I lay in bed worried to go to sleep because I could text someone, eat gross stuff, wander into the forest... I don't know..

This might not be a rational fear, but I don't often recall sleepwalking & when I do it is vague. So I am afraid of what I might do & not remember. And that is almost making me afraid to sleep...

Yeah, Hiking Kills People

Today's hike was a lot more tiring than the last one.
I don't know if it was our much steadier pace due to a more active group, or the fact that I climbed on a bunch of stuff thus doing extra activity, or my raw diet, but I was a lot more exhausted.

Everyone else seemed equally tired... I think there was just a different tempo & mood to the hike this time...

But after a few ppl left the hike got better. We decided that a few of us non-slow ppl are going to go on an off-trail adventure to look for an abandoned cabin in the reserve that may or may not exist.
It's a little ridiculous, but it's something for a bunch of teenagers to do on a Saturday...

My lentils have sprouted nicely.

I took almost a cup of sprouted lentils, added water, and blended it.
Then added a ton of cajun seasoning and sea salt to taste.
It might be the starvation, but it was delicious.

Now working on food ideas for my hike tomorrow...

A baggy of walnuts, maybe a carrot-flax burger, some fruits & veggies... I don't really know yet, but I'll have the recipes posted if I make something amazing!

Random Thoughts on Time Travel

Time travel seems to me as if u could go anywhere in your timeline, just shifting your consciousness back or forward.
But when u go forward & know things about the future u cannot bring the knowledge back with u to an earlier place on the timeline . which the events have not occurred.
So our lives are just a relative thing and we may be simultaneously every place we have ever been, just going along a timeline. All the way from the time our embryos develop sensory to our death. And we shift to & from that point of death infinitely.
Our bodies go on a timeline & our consciousness is gone at the point when our brain is beyond it. But still we are ever on this timeline, in all places we have been for all times we felt. Time becomes relative.
We are infinite.

Raw Day 3:

I am less hungry today. And my lentils are starting to sprout, so I can start doing something with those...

Raw Carrot-Flax Burger:

1 carrot, washed
Some ground flax seed
random spices (I like cajun & cayenne pepper, but garlic & onion are a must)

Grate the carrot using a fine grater. Add flax seed and spices, mush together.
Cover surface in flax seed and spices.
Shape into patty, roll in flax and spices until lightly coated.
Eat.

Mine was too spicy, but it was much more filling than most of the raw foods I've eaten... I am going to make this more often! Maybe I will start using the dehydrator to make it stick better and have a more burger-ey consistencey...

RIP Corey Haim

Corey Haim drove girls mad in his most known film, The Lost Boys (1987). This and his other roles made him a teen idol.

For years goths have loved this film and seen Haim as an idol to their culture as well.

I was born in the 90's and I still loved Corey Haim. I remember watching The Lost Boys when I was very young and being scared shitless.

So I am very sad to say that he has died.

Cause of death is not known yet. He reported flu-like symptoms before his death, but it is known that the actor had a long struggle with drugs before falling from the grace of Hollywood.

Haim, 38, died at 2:15 a.m. (PST) on March 10, 2010.

Our thoughts will be with the actor's family and friends.

My Raw Food Diet - Day 2

I am getting recipes. The problem is that my family doesn't have the col gadgets in our kitchen and we dont' have much raw food in our house.
We have non-cooked canned tomatoes that we canned from our garden, carrots, old celery, grapes, organic oatmeal that I am soaking tonight for breakfast tomorrow, and lentils which plan on sprouting or grinding and making a cold soup.

The things we do have as far as gadgets: a dehydrator, and a blender.

I am looking into making some kind of raw burger out of carrots tonight in the dehydrator, and raw soups...
But right now I am starving and eating salads and fruit...

It will get better.
It's only a week this time...

Updates that have nothing to do with each other:

My brain keeps saying terrible things & they slip out sometimes in conversation. In short: I was a total bitch today.
Wondering how other people make their brains be quiet...

24 hours ago I started a weeklong raw diet - no cooked foods!

So far it is sucking.

Raw diets are very healthy if done right. It gets all of the sugar & fat out of your diet & lets you take in the nutrients that are released during cooking.
I am eating uncooked seeds & nuts for protein and other nutrients...
I am also always hungry. This is super healthy and all, but it kinda sucks.

I hope to lose a few pounds. If I do I might diet a little longer just to get super thin... I'll share my results.

It's not funny...

Went prom dress shopping today.
I had this crazy mood in the store. I would like to blame it on the unhelpful salespeople (and I did at the time), but I know it isn't them.

As we drove home I played loud music and hoped we would crash into a ditch and die. Thank God(s) I wasn't driving.
I tried 2 make myself happy, but I kept wishing to die regardless. That, and having crazy thoughts about things...
I talked 2 myself - said it would be okay, told my brain to shut up and start working right. I ripped up paper 2 keep my hands busy so I wouldn't pull out my hair like I do during times like those...

Then I started laughing. There was nothing funny.

I kept laughing and everything got more and more hysterical.

Then I got home, binge ate, and felt great.

I'm okay now, I think. This was a bad one... I am glad I was not alone for this. I mean, I did crazy things in front of my friends & future husband, but I could have done a lot worse.

Thank (diety of choice) for not being alone and for my future husband...

Psychadelic Techno Makes Me Cream My Pants...

So do unknown artists...
And great synth work...

But that and the title are all another story...

Kris Zaragoza, also known as openchakra is an awesome artist that I have been checking out for a while. His music is awesome and he has an interesting and unique perspective. I hope you guys will check out openchakra...
openchakra.com/www.openchakra.com/Home.html
www.kriszaragoza.com/Site/kris_zaragoza.com-_website_of_musician_and_digital_artist,_kris_zaragoza..html

It's generally awesome.
That's all I can really say.
Then again, I just like hearing from people who have friend most of their brain on drugs...

My Lost Friend

With each passing moment
I grow farther from you
Time flees beneath our feet.

Every tick of the clock
I am dragged away.

We were close once
I'd turn to find you already there.

Do my eyes lie?
I am dragged away.
I do not see you running after me.

Nails break, voice shatters,
Unable to leave you behind.

Without you I am a shadow
A memory of what once was.

Tears and blood stain the ground.
A silent battlefield.
It's time we're fighting.

You do not care that I love you anymore.

My heart is left,
in that highschool battlefield.

You no longer fight for me.

Just a poem I wrote... Really feeling it lately...

Bunnies are Cute

Having a great day.
I conquered my fear of rabbits (kind of) and delivered 3 to a friend of mine.


I have been afraid of rabbits for a long time. Anything that moves quickly and startles me is a real problem sometimes.

But I took three of the rabbits to my friends - they were keeping two and one was for a friend.

The cute little things rode calmly in their box in the car, never jumping out or showing a sign of being anything but cute, fluffy things.


They named them Momiji and Tac. They are calico bunnies & their quick movement scared me when they were let out of the box.
But they grew docile and I grew warm to them, holding them and all.
Tac clawed me and scared me by jumping around while in my arms, but I got over a lot of the freaky twitching...
Do I trust all bunnies? No.
Do I love Tac and Momiji? Yes.

(Momiji is the closets with the most white, Tac further back and darker)

Weight Loss: I stopped caring

For a long time I have tried to control the weight on my 4'9" frame. It has hovered between 90 and 110 depending on my eating binges and how I dealt with them.

But I got a super confidence when I looked at the blog of one of my followers and saw that their goal weight was 155.
Yeah, I decided that there really isn't a way I am goingto get fat.

So it's totally okay if I actually eat.

Thanks for being fat.
You all make me feel good about myself.

Mental Disorders: I'm crazy and it's okay...I hope

I have a bunch of art that I need to put on my deviant art account... But I don't have home internet and I cannot access that site through the school's internet. I have a lot of stuff I need to do and there really isn't much I can do about that right now.

I have been struggling with this wonderful mind of mine for a while and it is getting a lot harder to do anything but make art and stuff... I don't think I am handling things...Like, at all.

I can't really think anymore and I seem to have gone a little mental - I ate a four pound chocolate cake in one setting a couple days ago... And I know that I am being delusional when I regain composure, but I swear people laugh at me and hate me everywhere I go... When they laugh, it is at me. And all of my friends hate me. All of the people hate me.
And I am starting to hate them too.

You want to know the greatest part of being crazy? No medical insurance.
Congress should give me mental health insurance really quickly so I can get pills...
And researched some treatments - what the fuck is talk therapy supposed to do for people with social anxiety symptoms and delusions that people hate them/mock them? I swear if they made me sit and talk for hours I would just leave...or I would end up involuntarily in a mental hospital...

But you should see the quality of some of the stuff I am writing! It's absolutely disturbing! And I've painted like ten nudes just out of my head - most of which are headless with gross flesh and blood coming out of their severed necks... One is missing a face and others have blank faces (I was too lazy to paint faces)

I know that you guys don't care because you only read my work to laugh at it and think it is awful, but I am not posting anything for a while, sorry if you actually liked something I did.

When Mr. Obama gets me pills, I will not be the same person and my art will suffer extremely so I will probably post what I am making now then become a zombie.

So when I get around to posting the zillion new pictures and a bunch of writing and paintings, I hope you all enjoy them, I will never be me again, I have already lost that, and the stuff in my brain that made everything so strange and awful will be scooped out and fed to aliens...
So they will be, effectively, eating my deranged soul, making the rest of me happy, and ruining any potential as an artist that I have.

I used to be super afraid of that, but now I am welcoming it. Me isn't very cool anyway. And honestly, things have gotten so bad that there really isn't anything else to do short of suicide. And I am terribly afraid of bodily Death...
This is not a suicide threat. There is no consideration there, I am merely citing examples of how many people dealt with similar situations.

You can see that I am terrified of being put in a hospital, and of doctors and people trying to talk to me and fix me that way...

I will be fine soon...
Just having an episode.

Usually I try to avoid putting things like this on the internet for all of my future employers, my family/friends, and random people to see... But It's 2 AM and thinking clearly is already not a strong point of mine...

If anyone else is feeling the same way (and if you remotely understood any of this, I worry about you) I just want to say, you aren't alone. There are people sitting in their rooms crying or looking up information on why they are crazy at 2 AM after pulling out a good deal of their hair all over the world.
Don't kill yourself.
It isn't worth the risk of failure. And I'm sure there will be emotional stuff for your family and/or friends...

I don't know how this turned into an anti-suicide blog...
Just...there are pills that can make you happy. If you can't get help because you can't talk to your parents about it, I am sure you can get them from teenagers who are diagnosed but unwilling to medicate until you turn 18...
And find a psychiatrist who is willing to minimalize session time and actually give you things to make you sane...

People will tell you that you can control it by talking to people, keeping a diary, charting your delusions and moods... I have 2 diaries and keep a mood chart and I am still crazy...
Take the pills.
Don't kill yourself.
All of that crap.

Sorry that you're crazy.