I talked to my friend today. The aforementioned suicidal one. We walked around the park, sat in a coffee shop... We have been texting about these thoughts and all... But today we really talked. It felt like a suicide support group. An unregulated one in which we laughed about our suicidal thoughts. We laughed about things that probably should not have been funny... Support group sounds so preposterous... But I felt better after we hung out. And I really hope he did. I am a lot less worried about him. I am just hoping now that things will be okay.

I gave my friend who is a little messed up a journal. I have been close to suicide before and my diary has saved my life. I suspected that he was in the same boat and I have unfortunately discovered I am correct. He said the journal has kept him alive. He told me that he is trying to get better. He allotted himself 120 pages to get better. 120 pages. Then if he is not better, he says, he will have gone over the edge. My friend's life will end in 120 pages. Suicide is a big deal. I am scared as hell for my own life. And now I am even more scared for his life. He is one of those people who can really change things. And I don't even just care because of that. We aren't even that close. But I care about him. He is so cool and so neat... His personality has so much worth knowing... And 120 pages is so small... He is going to end his life in that time. I can't let this happen. But I can't stop it. And what if our brains are right? I need to save him. But how do I save him if I can't save myself?

Just realized that I forgot to blog about gay prom. So when I get on the computer next, this will be about the school and my last blog will be about gay prom. coolio. i hope no one looks at this beforehand.

My boyfriend got kicked out of school today. He only needs three credits to graduate. Now he has to go to the alternative school and cannot walk with us at graduation. Worse, the teacher who suggested it lied. He wrote that he had done parent-teacher conferences. This is impossible as Jordan has no legal guardian, lives alone, and his mom is dead and his father left and has no permanent address and may be incarcerated. The degree from the academy is a lesser degree on which it is difficult to get into college. They are ruining his life over a couple low grades. The school also has a computerized credit recovery program for which they are saying he is not eligible. However this particular situation is exactly the purpose of the credit recovery program. Jordan has no parents to fight this thing and we don't know how to get around it. I am going to talk to the administration about it, but unless I can plead the case, his life and his highschool experience is ruined.

That's kinda how it is...

One of the tragedies of my life is that I will kill myself eventually.

I do not want to kill myself, but one night when I am alone with a knife and a mixed episode I will.

The odds were never good - child of divorce, low income family, bipolar disorder... Plus I guess I count as lgbt and the odds go up a little there too... Plus my aunt planned her suicide a while back and I am behaving more and more like my skitzophrenic uncle every day.
Suicide seems inevitable with the circumstances and I always back out of asking for help. Help wouldn't be that helpful anyway.

Tragedy is acceptable in Drama. My life might be dramatic enough to play it off.
It is not a good thing for a seventeen year old to have accepted her end is near. But there is little else to be done now but to live and to hope not to die.

Dahvie Monroe Star

Dahvie Monroe Star is our 7 week old yorkie puppy. He fits in the palm of most people's hands (Assuming they aren't like me and have normal sized hands). His daddy and I took him out yesterday and got a cute little carrying case - pink and white with colored polka dots - and put a little purple collar with a bell on him.

Dahvie hasn't quite learned to bark yet, and he isn't quite big enough for the extra extra small doggie snuggie, but he is our cute little furball and we love him.

You can see him during the day here: http://stickam.com/jordanundead

More adventures with the cutest, tiniest dog ever to come!

How are You Today?

How are You Today?

I thought this was a great blog - because I have to ask myself what to tell people most days - How am I? Then How do I say I am?

Just wanted to share that...