Took my AP English Lit exam today. Don't know how I did, don't ask. Coming down with a fever and fairly brain dead. I want to sleep for a year or so.

I need out of the usual. I am stuck. Without self destruction, I need to do something drastic and freeing. I will break out. Or I will go insane. Onward.

Prom Pictures

Thank you for the vent...

I am wondering who reads my blog. I have not looked at it from the internet in some time. I personally would not read this crap. But it gives me the feeling I am actually communicating with people and telling them the insane things I think, know, and think I know. I really can't talk to anyone else. People suggest a psychologist when I say that, but the fact is that a psychologist is a person and I cannot get through to them. I was suicidal for a while, as I have said. I was in a very depressed state.
But I thought I was okay. Always when I had intrusive thoughts they said things like 'you should kill yourself' - always self harm. Well I am not depressed. People irritate me and I really can't do nothing. I cannot handle people I normally like. Their problems (and the talk of their problems) makes me want to either vomit or forcibly silence them. Recently an intrusive thought said to kill other people.
I am behaving in a rather paranoid way and my friends who helped me out are infuriating me. I only really have one person to whom I can talk about these things. But he has a new girlfriend and when I talk to him about these things, I am interupting his time with her and making him unhappy at my insanity. I cannot do that. I love him - I want him to be happy. I really do. It's not like I love him in the stupid high school way or the I-want-to-screw-you way, but just love in the sense that I really want him to be happy. That is all I want for him. It's not like a brother or like a lover. There is no relationship with which to compare it and I am quite sure he does not love me (although some of his reactions to the idea of the harm coming to me that my brain intends suggest otherwise) but I honestly could care less if he loves me. I really wish I did not love him. I wish my brain worked and I didn't need him. But the fact is I am ripping out his happiness and his unhappiness is ripping out my heart. I cannot communicate these things elsewhere. I cannot talk to him because I hurt him. And I cannot tell him that I love him and want him to be happy and forget that I have problems or that I even ever existed. If I could figure out how to control any of these emotions and thoughts, I am quite sure I would be perfectly happy and never have to spoil his happiness.
But I have yet to figure out how to do that.

Prom

Today was my prom.
There was a tornado watch. My boyfriend danced on guys more than he did me. I keep getting images of me killing myself tonight. I have had horrible flashes of me killing myself on prom night for a week or so. I was just a little afraid.

Our photographer was great, she was smoking when we arrived - fifteen minutes late. She made such comments as 'Wow those are some huge knockers!' and squeezed us in before the next group arrived.

I took some anti-anxiety medication this morning because I knew we would be late and I have a slight phobia of being late. It knocked me on my ass. I slept until 1 then got ready swiftly and headed to do everything we needed to do.

I had a good time. I just feel empty. Like high school is almost over and there is nothing after it. I will be away from all of my friends and life will change.

This was my senior prom.
Now what?

Epic Fail...mentally, at least

I keep getting myself into these situations.

Due to a recent bought of depression, I am failing 2 classes the last semester of my senior year. This is just mid term, so I can pull the grades up, but if I don't maintain a 3.0 for the year, I risk losing my academic scholarship to Transy.
My AP English teacher understood when I told her I "was going through a tough time" and is letting me make up the work. I have not spoken to the other teacher, but I am considering dropping that credit if at all possible. I have to put things back together and I do not need any added stress. If not, I hope she accepts that I was going through a tough time and does not pry. I really do not need a guidance referral.

The sad part is that all of this stuff just did not matter. I was going to kill myself. School work was not at the top of my mind.

I nearly had a panic attack in my English teacher's room, she calmly told me to breathe and that I could make it up. I don't think she knew what else to do.
I am feeling really bad about all this. But I need to focus and not let myself slip into depression again.
I can't believe what I have done to myself...

Class of 2010, we rule

Sent my deposit. I am officially a student at Transylvania University. I schedule classes soon, my prom is next weekend, and graduation is flying towards me. I am honestly very shocked that I made it through high school. Many friends were lost throughout the four years - mostly to car crashes, but also to suicide and even just to separate ideals. I did not suspect freshman year that I would be among the survivors walking across the stage in ugly purple gowns and those funny hats. Looking back on my high school experience, I am very glad it was a typical one: I was goth, joined drama club. I was a memberof the marching band, became terribly addicted to Mountain Dew, and joined just about every club in the school plus AP and dual credit classes. I stressed over finals and relationships to the point of pulling out my hair - to the brink of life, even. I went to school with all of those stereotypes you ought to have known. I lived, I loved, I felt awkward sexual tensions and lost friends. I nearly ended my own life. And yes, my art teacher wore lots of sweater vests. I am very happy, looking back on my high school, the sweater vests, my band director's crazy tie collection. Even seeing my band director cheering from the football stands in my head as I took the ACT. I think to skipping class in the Latin room and insisting to my Latin teacher & her current class that we were bffs. And I am very happy I experienced all I did and learned so much from it. Thank you, HCHS Class of 2010! Ugly ties rule the world and having prom in the school's gym actually does count as a prom. And thank you anyone at the high school who tried to be nice to me. I may not be exceptionally articulate about things, but I do see it when you try to help me, and do what is right, even if it is only right by you. Sometimes these things were the only things giving me faith in humanity. But I could not tell you this. It was not your struggle, it was not your experience. Thank you, my friends, for saving my life. The Class of 2010, you are the world now. I know we will succeed. I already have. And for this, I thank you.