It's not funny...

Went prom dress shopping today.
I had this crazy mood in the store. I would like to blame it on the unhelpful salespeople (and I did at the time), but I know it isn't them.

As we drove home I played loud music and hoped we would crash into a ditch and die. Thank God(s) I wasn't driving.
I tried 2 make myself happy, but I kept wishing to die regardless. That, and having crazy thoughts about things...
I talked 2 myself - said it would be okay, told my brain to shut up and start working right. I ripped up paper 2 keep my hands busy so I wouldn't pull out my hair like I do during times like those...

Then I started laughing. There was nothing funny.

I kept laughing and everything got more and more hysterical.

Then I got home, binge ate, and felt great.

I'm okay now, I think. This was a bad one... I am glad I was not alone for this. I mean, I did crazy things in front of my friends & future husband, but I could have done a lot worse.

Thank (diety of choice) for not being alone and for my future husband...

Psychadelic Techno Makes Me Cream My Pants...

So do unknown artists...
And great synth work...

But that and the title are all another story...

Kris Zaragoza, also known as openchakra is an awesome artist that I have been checking out for a while. His music is awesome and he has an interesting and unique perspective. I hope you guys will check out openchakra...
openchakra.com/www.openchakra.com/Home.html
www.kriszaragoza.com/Site/kris_zaragoza.com-_website_of_musician_and_digital_artist,_kris_zaragoza..html

It's generally awesome.
That's all I can really say.
Then again, I just like hearing from people who have friend most of their brain on drugs...

My Lost Friend

With each passing moment
I grow farther from you
Time flees beneath our feet.

Every tick of the clock
I am dragged away.

We were close once
I'd turn to find you already there.

Do my eyes lie?
I am dragged away.
I do not see you running after me.

Nails break, voice shatters,
Unable to leave you behind.

Without you I am a shadow
A memory of what once was.

Tears and blood stain the ground.
A silent battlefield.
It's time we're fighting.

You do not care that I love you anymore.

My heart is left,
in that highschool battlefield.

You no longer fight for me.

Just a poem I wrote... Really feeling it lately...

Bunnies are Cute

Having a great day.
I conquered my fear of rabbits (kind of) and delivered 3 to a friend of mine.


I have been afraid of rabbits for a long time. Anything that moves quickly and startles me is a real problem sometimes.

But I took three of the rabbits to my friends - they were keeping two and one was for a friend.

The cute little things rode calmly in their box in the car, never jumping out or showing a sign of being anything but cute, fluffy things.


They named them Momiji and Tac. They are calico bunnies & their quick movement scared me when they were let out of the box.
But they grew docile and I grew warm to them, holding them and all.
Tac clawed me and scared me by jumping around while in my arms, but I got over a lot of the freaky twitching...
Do I trust all bunnies? No.
Do I love Tac and Momiji? Yes.

(Momiji is the closets with the most white, Tac further back and darker)

Weight Loss: I stopped caring

For a long time I have tried to control the weight on my 4'9" frame. It has hovered between 90 and 110 depending on my eating binges and how I dealt with them.

But I got a super confidence when I looked at the blog of one of my followers and saw that their goal weight was 155.
Yeah, I decided that there really isn't a way I am goingto get fat.

So it's totally okay if I actually eat.

Thanks for being fat.
You all make me feel good about myself.

Mental Disorders: I'm crazy and it's okay...I hope

I have a bunch of art that I need to put on my deviant art account... But I don't have home internet and I cannot access that site through the school's internet. I have a lot of stuff I need to do and there really isn't much I can do about that right now.

I have been struggling with this wonderful mind of mine for a while and it is getting a lot harder to do anything but make art and stuff... I don't think I am handling things...Like, at all.

I can't really think anymore and I seem to have gone a little mental - I ate a four pound chocolate cake in one setting a couple days ago... And I know that I am being delusional when I regain composure, but I swear people laugh at me and hate me everywhere I go... When they laugh, it is at me. And all of my friends hate me. All of the people hate me.
And I am starting to hate them too.

You want to know the greatest part of being crazy? No medical insurance.
Congress should give me mental health insurance really quickly so I can get pills...
And researched some treatments - what the fuck is talk therapy supposed to do for people with social anxiety symptoms and delusions that people hate them/mock them? I swear if they made me sit and talk for hours I would just leave...or I would end up involuntarily in a mental hospital...

But you should see the quality of some of the stuff I am writing! It's absolutely disturbing! And I've painted like ten nudes just out of my head - most of which are headless with gross flesh and blood coming out of their severed necks... One is missing a face and others have blank faces (I was too lazy to paint faces)

I know that you guys don't care because you only read my work to laugh at it and think it is awful, but I am not posting anything for a while, sorry if you actually liked something I did.

When Mr. Obama gets me pills, I will not be the same person and my art will suffer extremely so I will probably post what I am making now then become a zombie.

So when I get around to posting the zillion new pictures and a bunch of writing and paintings, I hope you all enjoy them, I will never be me again, I have already lost that, and the stuff in my brain that made everything so strange and awful will be scooped out and fed to aliens...
So they will be, effectively, eating my deranged soul, making the rest of me happy, and ruining any potential as an artist that I have.

I used to be super afraid of that, but now I am welcoming it. Me isn't very cool anyway. And honestly, things have gotten so bad that there really isn't anything else to do short of suicide. And I am terribly afraid of bodily Death...
This is not a suicide threat. There is no consideration there, I am merely citing examples of how many people dealt with similar situations.

You can see that I am terrified of being put in a hospital, and of doctors and people trying to talk to me and fix me that way...

I will be fine soon...
Just having an episode.

Usually I try to avoid putting things like this on the internet for all of my future employers, my family/friends, and random people to see... But It's 2 AM and thinking clearly is already not a strong point of mine...

If anyone else is feeling the same way (and if you remotely understood any of this, I worry about you) I just want to say, you aren't alone. There are people sitting in their rooms crying or looking up information on why they are crazy at 2 AM after pulling out a good deal of their hair all over the world.
Don't kill yourself.
It isn't worth the risk of failure. And I'm sure there will be emotional stuff for your family and/or friends...

I don't know how this turned into an anti-suicide blog...
Just...there are pills that can make you happy. If you can't get help because you can't talk to your parents about it, I am sure you can get them from teenagers who are diagnosed but unwilling to medicate until you turn 18...
And find a psychiatrist who is willing to minimalize session time and actually give you things to make you sane...

People will tell you that you can control it by talking to people, keeping a diary, charting your delusions and moods... I have 2 diaries and keep a mood chart and I am still crazy...
Take the pills.
Don't kill yourself.
All of that crap.

Sorry that you're crazy.

DIY Sleep Deprivation: Life as a Student

Scattered on the floor are empty coffee shots with black labels and yellow letters, "2 a day maximum," dripping their last few drops on crumpled papers between scattered textbooks. Three go in the morning coffee, none in the later lattes. English 101, 102, and AP Chemistry classes have to be juggled with college applications, social life, clubs, and State Foreign Language Festival studies. Sleep was the one droppable activity.





My personal story is unfortunately the story of many high school students fighting to stay ahead in a world of hyper speed. With the risks of caffeine and other uppers, with the risks of sleep loss starting to catch up, students cannot escape the cycle. If they take a moment to rest their eyes, the world shifts around them and the workload piles even higher.

Energy drinks and caffeine pills seem to be a staple to the pre-college and college student. These drinks are shown to cause damage when overused and not properly resting can cause and array of symptoms and is often used as a torture technique. Symptoms range from irritability, slurred speech, to tremors and heart problems. People who haven't slept have lower reaction times and are at risk for depression. Yet students everywhere are continually skipping this necessary rest to keep up with the world around them. people move to fast to sleep.





This problem is not being addressed by schools, the workload keeps piling higher and higher until eventually it will all crash down on the sleepless student, that coffee shot will not be able to keep it away any longer...

One day I will have time for blogging and sleep. For now, wish me luck on my test!